I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
splinters make it hard to masturbate
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I need to sanitize my soul.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
