He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
