Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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