how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Randomize
