I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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