Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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