i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
