our cab driver is having phone sex.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
