I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Randomize
