He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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