laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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