Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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