I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Randomize
