I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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