Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize