defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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