im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
