I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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