You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
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