Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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