My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
