I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
