I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
