Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
