So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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