One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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