Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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