Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
