It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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