Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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