textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
