just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Randomize
