This girl is more easily done than said...
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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