She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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