My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
jump out the window naked night went bad
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