It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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