i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
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