Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
