I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
