I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Randomize
