so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
