are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Randomize
