well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
