So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
