i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
