I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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