We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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