I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
