does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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