I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
