what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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