I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
