I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
