Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
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