You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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