just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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