I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
