Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
