[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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