Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
