my phone needs a breathalizer
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
