I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
