I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
