Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
