i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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