Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
