Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Randomize
