I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize