I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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